January 28, 2013

An Innovative Printing of the Talmud

A newly religious young Jew walked into the Yeshiva and saw all 20 thick volumes of the Talmud (containing 36 tractates of Mishna-Gemorah and 27 more tractates of Mishna alone, all 63 with extensive commentary) covering an entire shelf in a bookcase.

In total shock, he approached one of the rabbis standing near by and, pointing his finger back at the shelf, blurted,

"Wow! Unbelievable! Someone printed out the whole thing!"

December 18, 2012

The Alternative Kippah

After seeing him snatch and gobble a large piece of cake, the father asked his younger son to say the after-blessing, al hamichyeh.

The boy realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his older brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the after-blessing. But after a few moments, the brother grew impatient and took off his hand.

A bit upset, dad said, "What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother's head."

The wise(guy) son then said: "Am I my brother's kippah?"

October 29, 2012

Against the Odds

An archaeologist and his team digging in Israel's Negev Desert came upon a casket containing a mummy. After the archaeologist examined it, he called the curator of Israel's most prestigious natural history museum.

"We've just discovered a mummy of what I am sure is a 3,000 year old man who died of heart failure," the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. But we had to do many tests in order to establish that. How in the world did you figure it out so quickly?"

The archaeologist chuckled. "Elementary. There was a piece of parchment in his hand, inscribed in the ancient script. We succeeded to translate it after great difficulty. It said, '10,000 shekels bet on Goliath'."

June 18, 2012

Bee Beanie (an old one, revised)

Two bumblebees were whizzing in the air and conversing. One of them complained of not being able to find anything to eat and being so hungry.

"Go to the synagogue," suggested his friend. "It's a bar mitzvah today. There'll be plenty of food."

A few hours later the friend spotted his formerly ravished buddy, now looking sleekly satisfied. "What's that silly looking beanie on your head?" he inquired.

"It's called a kippah."

"What's it for?"

"I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp!"

May 15, 2012

Two Tough Questions

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one. Please!

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A - Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C - He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.


Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before jumping to conclusions.

Never be convinced that we know the destiny of events. Remember: Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

April 2, 2012

The Jungle Seder

(go to Jokes - Holidays)

February 27, 2012

Mezuza at Kosher Restaurant in Tokyo

February 6, 2012

Rosh HaShana of the Trees

(go to Jokes - Holidays)

Nov. 28, 2011

Concert Hall Dedication

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.

He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar? Or Isaac Moscovitz, the famous Jewish concert violinist?"

"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Melvin Moscovitz, the writer."

"Never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A big check", replied the guide.

[Submitted by YMH and Sons]

For the Scholar or the Ignoramus? [Lech Lecha]

(go to Jokes - Weekly Reading Cycle)

Two for Yom Kippur

(go to Jokes - Holidays)


The Jewish "Get Smart" Pill

A Jew was riding on a train traversing the Siberian tundra. Seated next to him was a soldier of the Czar quietly boiling and seething with deep hatred toward the Jew. In one moment he let loose his anger to the Jew who, unaware of the danger, was staring into one of his holy books. He barked, "What makes you people so smart?"

The Jew was startled. He realized his life was at risk and he had better give the correct answer. Without hesitation, with help from heaven, he responded with perfect calm, one word -"Herring!" (That little bony salty fish) The soldier sternly inquired, "Do you have any?" The Jew acknowledged that he had a few pieces remaining which the soldier demanded with authority should be handed over to him.

Taking a big risk, the Jew refused and insisted he be compensated 20 Rubles for the now desirous herring. The soldier hurriedly threw the money at him and took hold of the prize. In a one gulp, like a hungry bear, he swallowed the whole lot of them. After wiping his mouth brutishly he turned to the Jew, who had calmly returned to his books, and protested, "20 Rubles for those few pieces of fish?! Where we are going to in Moscow I can get five times that amount for the same price!"

At that point the Jew turned to him with a straight face and declared, "Ya see that, it's starting to work already!"

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