Torah Readings

One day during the Six Days of Creation, G-d turned to the Angels and said:
"Today I am going to create a land that shall be called 'Israel.' It will be a land of mountains covered with snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches, and with an abundance of sea life."

G-d continued, "I shall make the land rich so to enable the inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants 'Israeli,' and they shall be the most known people on earth."

"But L-rd," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Israelis?"

"Not really," G-d replied; "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them!"

If College Students Wrote the Bible:

Creation: Instead of G-d creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

Reason Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to seem like freshmen by asking directions.

The Ten Commandments: They would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.

The Alternative Kippah

After seeing him snatch and gobble a large piece of cake, the father asked his younger son to say the after-blessing, al hamichyeh.

The boy realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his older brother to put a hand on his head until he finished the after-blessing. But after a few moments, the brother grew impatient and took off his hand.

A bit upset, dad said, "What are you doing? Put your hand back on your brother's head."

The wise(guy) son then said: "Am I my brother's kippah?"

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, God may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: For safety's sake, it is always best to travel in pairs.

SEVEN: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board along with the cheetahs.

EIGHT: When you're stressed out, just float awhile.

NINE: Remember that the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals!

TEN: No matter what storm you face, when you are with G-d, there's always a rainbow waiting for you.

For the Scholar or the Ignoramus? [Lech Lecha]

A young couple once banged on their rabbi's door late at night begging to be let in for an emergency meeting. When the Rabbi asked what the emergency was they informed him that they wanted a divorce. Shocked, the rabbi asked if they had any children. They had one little boy. The Rabbi then asked how old the boy was. They said one week -- the very next morning was to be his circumcision!

"Why don't you just wait until after the Bris Mila, and then we'll see how you feel?" The rabbi suggested. "What's the rush?"

"No, Rabbi," the wife quickly interjected. "The Bris is the reason we want to get divorced!"

"Oh?" said the rabbi, "What's the problem with the Bris?"

"Well, "said the husband, "I want to name the boy after my father and she wants to name him after hers."

"What was your father's name?" asked the Rabbi.

"My father's name was Meir," the man said.

Turning to the wife the Rabbi asked, "And what was your father's name?"

"My father's name was Meir!" she proudly stated.

The Rabbi couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I don't understand. You both agree on the name Meir. What's the problem?" he said. "Please explain."

The husband responded first. "My father was a Torah scholar while my father-in-law was an ignoramus. That is why I want my son to be named only for my father."

The Rabbi managed to keep a straight face. He thought for a moment and then, smiling, said, "If that is the case, I may have a solution for you.

"Name the boy Meir and when he grows up you'll find out who he was really named for. If he grows to be a Torah scholar you'll know that he was named for your father. Otherwise he must have been named for your father-in-law!"

[Adapted by Yerachmiel Tilles from // -- 14 Cheshvan 5768 / oct. 16, 2007]

It was The Shabbat of parshat Vayera and a father was in the middle of telling the story of Sodom and Gomorrah to his young son. He said, "Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a block of salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

The patriarch Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows '98. His son Yitzhak is incredulous.

"Pop, you can't do that on your old, slow 486! You don't have enough memory. Even if you don't get a Pentium, everybody knows that you need at least 32 meg on board in order to run Windows '98."

Avraham, the man of faith, gazes calmly at his son and replies: "Do not worry. G-d will provide the RAM, my son."

[We presume you are familiar with I Kings 3:15-28, which is also the haftorah for Miketz]

In a small nineteenth-century Russian shtetl, two families negotiate with a prominent yeshiva to provide two students as husbands for their daughters. The two young men set out for the town. En route, their wagon is attacked by Cossacks, and one of the men is killed. When the survivor finally arrives in the town, a fight breaks out between the mothers of the two unmarried girls: each claims that the young man is the intended groom for her daughter. The man himself can shed no light on the matter and the women cannot come to an agreement, so the case is brought before the local rabbi.

"Cut the boy in half," the rabbi finally rules, "and let each girl be given half of his body."

"Oh, no!" the first mother says, "don't kill him. My daughter will give up her claim."

"Go ahead and cut," the other mother says.

The rabbi stands up and points to the second woman, "That is the mother-in-law."

Based on the version in Jewish Humor by Joseph Telushkin (Quill).

We find (Num. 21:4-9) that G-d told Moses to construct a poisonous snake and that Moses made it out of copper at his own initiative.

Why out of copper? Because, our sages tell us, of the similarity of the words: snake=nachash, copper=nechoshes.

If so, then why did not Moses make the first pair of tefillin out of teflon?

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