ASCENT JEWISH JOKES ARCHIVE --

5764-5766

The War College

At the Russian War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, Comrades, it looks like you will," answers the General.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the General, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?"

The Jews Really Do Know Everything

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks: "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression - 'Vus titzuch?'"

The President says, "Wierd, is it Hebrew? What does it mean?"

Actually, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "it's a Yiddish expression. It roughly translates to: "what's happening?" They just ask each other this and then they know everything."

The President decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true.

He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, fake beard, long black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighbourhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Shhh. Bush is in Brooklyn!"

Third annual "Adeloyada" Purim award for

"Best Commercial Advertisement of the Year"

Biblical Financiers

1. Who was the greatest female financer in the Bible?
Pharoh's daughter, she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little profit.

2. Who was the greatest male financer?
Noah he was floating some stock while every one else was on liquidation.

[Submitted by Yosef of Oklahoma]

The Dating Game

The Big Three

It seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he'd never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, "Yankel! The Mishna says, 'Age 18 to the Chupah!' What's going to be already?"

Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he's never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn't know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his learning.

The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him, "Don't worry about your learning, getting married is an obligation with a capital O. And as for what to say, you can talk about her family and you can talk about what she likes. And if all else fails you can talk philosophy."

Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva, repeating under his breath, "Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy."

Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch date.

The young people sit down in a hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he's going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva's list is family, so he blurts out, "Do you have any brothers?"

"No." replies the girl, and silence reigns.

Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, "Do you like baseball?"

"No." is the immediate reply.

Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks "If you had a brother, would he like baseball?"

The Prospective Husband's No-Fault Faults

There was once a young woman of marriageable age who went to meet a prospective husband. When she came back from their meeting, everyone asked what she had thought of him.

"Well, to tell you the truth, the fact that he isn't at all handsome doesn't bother me," she said. 'The fact that he doesn't come from a well-respected family doesn't bother me either."

After a moment she added, "That he is not wealthy and doesn't have a great job is also no problem.

The young woman listed a few more of the young man's failings that troubled her not in the least.

When she had finished his litany of his many shortcomings, one friend among her listeners could stand it no longer. "If the guy has so many faults, how can it not bother you?" she asked.

"Because," she replied, "I'm have no interest whatsover in marrying him."

Political Upheaval

(Our apologies, but this final one requires some familiarity with the current Israeli political scene, Hebrew vernacular, and a 20th century religious innovation.)

Did you hear that Ehud Olmart and Peretz Amir have undertaken to learn Daf Yomi?

Amazing!

It seems they found out that if you indeed sit down and study the daily page of Talmud, every day, seven days a week, there is the possibility that in less than seven years you can gomer et Shas!

JEWISH CLONING

A bio-research institute in Israel is developing plans for cloning sheep.

"When the Holy Temple is rebuilt, there will suddenly be a tremendous demand for blemish-free lambs to use for the different sacrifices on the festivals, the Korban Hagigah, the Korban Shelamim, and of course, on Passover, the Korban Pesach (Passover sacrifice)", explained its director. "We will be able to meet that demand by cloning. Each lamb thus produced will be known as a...

Korban Copy".

[Submitted by Zev Stein]

Happy in Georgia

[Our apologies, but this one requires some familiarity with Hebrew and the Israeli immigrant scene.]

What was the name of the Georgian Jew that refused to make aliyah?

Yisrael Lobishvili.

(from Arnold Rubin)

First annual "Adeloyada" Purim award for

"Best Commercial Advertisement of the Year"

A Quick Study

The massive gorilla had escaped from the zoo. A massive search had taken place to find him, but with no success. The residents in the vicinity were becoming apprehensive.

Then, the police received a phone call. The huge ape had been spotted…in the Public Library building. A squad was quickly dispatched, and they discovered the ape in the stacks, squatting on top of a tall bookshelf with a book in each hand. One book was "Origin of Species" by Charles Darwin, the other was the first volume of the Artscroll chumash, on the first chapters of Genesis.

The policeman couldn't believe their eyes. "What's going on here?" the sergeant yelled out. To their great surprise, the gorilla itself spoke up. His clearly enunciated but strangely accented words were:

"I'm attempting to analyze whether I am my brother's keeper or I am my keeper's brother."

[Expanded by Yerachmiel Tilles from a submision by Rabbi Yehuda-Leib Popack]

Fashion Statement

"I prefer to not wear my Shabbat clothes on regular weekdays."

Jewish Women's Lib

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.

"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"

"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

Now Look Who is Crossing

[Several Hebrew words, including a punch line. Selicha]

Why did the shochet cross the road?

To get the chicken.

Why did the rasha cross the road?

To get to the sidra achar.

More Helpful than a Sermon

A popular rabbi in England, who is known for his soft, melodious voice, often tells this story when visiting a community and preaching a sermon.

"Before I begin my sermon (talk), I must make a confession. It is not really a confession, because you have already begun to realize that I have a soft, quiet voice. To be honest: it puts people to sleep.

But so what? A fifteen minute snooze might help a congregant far more than anything else I can do for him or her.

However, I really object when the president of my congregation always falls asleep within two minutes of my starting the sermon. Once, I challenged him: "Max, WHY do you always fall asleep as soon as I begin to preach?"

"Rabbi," he said firmly, "I trust you."

[As told by Rabbi Albert H. Friedlander of England's Westminster synagogue]

Bible Quiz

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone else was liquidating.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. That would be Pharaoh's daughter, who went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out of their garden?
A. They raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. He said, "Your mother ate us out of house and home."

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought down the house.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Jewish Haikus

Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old mohel
wanders among his flowers.

Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.

The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.

Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty.

Tea ceremony--
fragrant steam perfumes the air.
Try the cheese Danish.

The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.

Our youngest daughter,
our most precious jewel.
Hence the name, Tiffany.

Left the door open.
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

My nature journal --
today, I saw some trees and birds.
I should know the names?

Seven-foot Jews in the NBA
slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.

One son in an elite army unit;
one son in Chabad yeshiva.
Ah! Life in Israel.

(Author unknown -- except for the last one.
Submitted by: David Devor -- except for the last one)

The Newest Rabbinical Supervisors

Cardiac Hospitals: to be supervised by the Heart-K

Medications: to be supervised by the Tablet-K

Robitussin and Triaminic syrups: to be supervised by the Cough-K.

Precious gems: to be supervised by the Diamond-K

Corrals for cattle: to be supervised by the O.K.

Jewish Celebrities: to be supervised by the Star-K

Architectural designs: to be supervised by the Triangle-K
and the Badatz of Square

Heter Iska (documentation for business loans): to be supervised by the Owe.U.

Raw Eggs in the shell: to be supervised by the Yoka Rav

Alarm Systems: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Belz

Dental Work: to be supervised by the Bait Din of Crown Heights

[By Baruch Shine. Sbmitted by Alan Silver to Chazon]