Suspect Chickens

The shochet in the midwest slaughtering facility was upset. He had just slaughtered two chickens and no one was sure if they were kosher or not. He decided to fly them to Chicago to ask the famous rabbi there.

Quickly packaging them into separate plastic bags with ice, he summoned a taxi and sped off to the airport. He succeeded in obtaining a standby ticket at a good price, but when he tried to board, the stewardess refused to allow him.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"It's those chickens."

"But they are dead."

"I know," she shuddered.

"Are you worried about the smell. They are freshly slaughtered and I packed them immediately with ice. It won't be a problem on this short flight," he reassured her.

"Nevertheless, it is against the rules, sir. I cannot permit you on with them."

"What rule?"

"We only allow one carrion per passenger."

If Jews Were Weather Forecasters and Why They Are Not

A cold front may or may not be coming in from the North tonight depending upon the will of Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Tomorrow morning, early, before shacharit, there will be a slight drizzle, im yirtze Hashem. If you drive to Shul, beware of slippery conditions to prevent accidents, rachmanis letzlan. Then, later in the day, if Moshiach hasn't come yet, chas veshalom, there will be -- b'ezrat Hashem -- heavy rain. Keneina hara, pu pu pu, this will help fill the reservoirs, kein yirbu (and if you need my brother-in-law is offering a good deal on umbrellas). By Shabbat kodesh, haba aleinu letovah, the sun will emerge from its sheath and shine upon the inhabitants of the land, may they live and be well bis hundert un tzvantzic, in gezuntheit.

Okay, schoen, that's it for this evening. Enjoy your dinner, zeit gezunt und shtark - chazak ubaruch, and don't forget to count the Omer!

[Expanded from Concord, vol.31 No. 4, Pesach 5763 April 2003]

A Long Trip

rabbi waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Rabbi," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The rabbi chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[submitted by Chana Besser]

The Bacon Tree

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. Suddenly, they saw an old Jewish man with a beard, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food, Rabbi. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "But I vouldn't go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me, I vouldn't go der."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader, who manages to escape. Running back the way he came, he sees the old Jew.

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me."

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy.....vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.

"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!"

[submitted by Tuvia Natkin]


A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare.

The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "I've got chutzpah."

[Submitted by Edyth Geiger]

Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided to put together a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.

The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand any more embarrassment, so he sent Benyamin to spy on the Oxford University team.

Benjy promptly shlepped off to Oxford and hid in the bullrushes near the riverbank, from where he carefully watched the Oxford crew as they practiced.

When Benjy returned to the Yeshiva, he announced, "I have figured out their secret…

"They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting."

Menashe needs his tallit dry-cleaned. He brings it to the dry-cleaner in town with the best reputation, Ho Fu Wung Cleaners. They tell him to return in three days.

"Take special care with it," he tells them.

When he comes to pick it up, they give him the bill, which says $45.00.

"Forty-five dollars to clean one garment?" Menashe reads, astonished.

"No, no!" replies the man behind the counter. "Five dollars to clean the tunic; forty bucks to unravel all those knots!"

David Cohen received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you every week to pray, I will try to modify my behavior."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the kosher chicken did?"

A rabbi was having a difficult time supporting his family on his meager synagogue salary, so he took a part-time job at a Duracell factory. He had to stand on the production line and as the batteries went by, call out:

"I wish you long life".

Dov is a Jewish actor, so down and out he's ready to settle for any gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape."

"I could do that," says Dov.

To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.

At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Ad-nai El-heinu Ad-nai echad!" ("Hear O Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the Lord is one").

The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem kevod malchuto l'olam va'ed!" ("Blessed is the name of His glorious kingship forever and ever").

"Shut up, you tembelim!" they hear a panda bear mutter fiercely from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired!"

[from the weekly parsha sheet of Rabbi Y. Y. Jacobson]

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jewish girl.

The son replied, "It's okay, Dad, she wants to be Jewish; she is converting to Judaism."

"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.

"It's Shabbat," the son replied.

The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."

"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son said softly. "My wife is determined that we should observe the Shabbat."

"I knew it," the father exclaimed. "I told you, marrying a shiksa will cause problems."

A nun, a vicar and a Rabbi; an Irishman, an Arab and an Israeli; a redhead, a blonde and a Jewish mother; a hamster, a talking donkey and a shaggy dog all walk into a bar together.

The barman looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

The following sign is posted in the front window of a certain business in a populous Jewish community:



A daughter comes home from working with the Peace Corps in Africa and surprises her mother who is in the middle of slicing bagels. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter. Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazel tov," exclaims the mother. "How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads, and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, shakes her hard and wails, "Dumkopf, stupid, fool....I said a RICH doctor!"

A child sees the bulletin of the Synagogue announcing that the congregation had just hired a new rabbi, and that his title is Rabbi Dr. The child is so excited that the new rabbi is also a doctor, that the next time he has a stomachache, he calls the Synagogue.

"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says. The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help. "Well, rabbi," the boy says, "I have a stomach ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."

"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.

"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.

The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?"


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity Applications such as FarbrengenNight 3.0, PartyNight 2.5, BaglesSnoozes 6.1 and Hangout 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

In addition, applications such as Garbage Out 3.3 and House Work 2.1 have gone from select-as needed to continuous schedule, ignoring them causes Night-on-the-Couch 1.0 to take over all activity. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.

I am thinking about going back to BochurLife 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!

A Troubled User


Dear Troubled User:

Yours is a very common complaint, which is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many yeshiva students upgrade from BochurLife 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a utilities program. Wife 1.0 is an operating system and was designed to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to BochurLife 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to BochurLife 7.0 because Life 1.01 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install BochurLife 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\yes_dear to alleviate software augmentation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\apologize. In any case avoid excessive use of yes_dear because ultimately you will have to give the apologize command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take responsibility for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install OtherFriends 3.3 as a primary operating system. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.
Tech Support.

After months and months of negotiations with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.

The scholar looked at the young man and thought: this fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish, because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Hmm…?

"Ah! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably was going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two -- the Bernsteins and the Rosenbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Rosenbergs. But why is he going? The Rosenbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.

"But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacks. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? Probably a doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacks?"

"Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."


Redesign and implementation - By WEB-ACTION