ASCENT JEWISH JOKES ARCHIVE -- 5770-71

"Love Your Fellow Jew..and His Children!"

The story is told of a well-known Jewish educator of young children who spent many hours constructing a new driveway at his home. Just after he smoothed the surface of the freshly poured concrete, his small children chased each other across the driveway, leaving deep footprints. Upset and frustrated, the man yelled after them with a torrent of angry words.

His shocked wife, their mother, said, "You are a famous educator. You are supposed to love children."

The fuming man shouted, "I love children in the abstract, not in the concrete!"

Chassidic Chess Techniques

I made aliyah and came to Jerusalem, hoping to find a good chess game with one of the religious Jews. All those hours of Talmud must prepare them well for the intricacies of chess logic.

First I went up to a Gur chasid and invited him. "Sure," he said, "but we have to remove the Queens from the board." "What!" I exclaimed. "Why should we do that?" His reply was, "Not allowed to have females together with males."

So the next day I turned to a Chabadnik. He was quite willing, but he told me that I am not allowed to checkmate him, because his King never dies.

Next I tried a Breslaver. He wanted to play too. But he told me, "according to our rules, Pawns also have to be able to jump."

I decided to give up on the Chasidim. I approached one of the graduates of the central Rav Kook yeshiva, a settler type with a large white knitted kippah. "Let's start!" he exclaimed. "But remember, you can never capture and remove from one of us a hilltop!"
(For this last one you need a bit of Hebrew: what in English is called Rook or Castle, in Israeli is called a tzariach--a hilltop!)

I give up. I'm going back to Moscow where at least I can get a normal game.

Happy Birthday

The state of Israel turned 63 last week.

That means: it won't be long before it moves to Florida!

(shana makom shana mazal?)

Taking Good Care of Your Mitzvah Paraphenalia

A. The Correct Way to Attach Mezuzot

A wealthy Jew buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local yokel workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted, but he realizes that he needs to put mezuzot on all the doors, and he could use some help with that daunting task. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzot, has them enclosed in cases, and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door ,except the bathrooms and closets. He demonstrates in one door frame exactly how to position them, and then hurries back to the office.

He worried that the provincial decorator will underestimate their importance and won't put them up correctly; however, when he comes back a few hours later he sees that the job has been carried out to his full satisfaction: each one at exactly the right height and exactly the correct angle. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.

As the decorator is walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the job, Mister. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little boxes and left them on the table for you."

B. Special Tallit Treatment

Menashe needs his tallit dry-cleaned. He brings it to the dry-cleaner in town with the best reputation, Ho Fu Wung Cleaners. They tell him to return in three days.

"Take special care with it," he tells them.

When he comes to pick it up, they give him the bill, which says $45.00.

"Forty-five dollars!" Menashe reads, astonished.

"You told us 'special treatment, remember?"

"But forty-five dollars to clean one garment?" exclaims Menashe.

"No, no!" replies the man behind the counter. "Five dollars to clean the tunic; forty bucks to unravel all those knots!"

The Four Silverberg Brothers

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors and lawyers and mogols, and so they prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they had been able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had the most up to date, expensive multi-media theatre built in the house.”

The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.”

The fourth said, “Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

Needless to say, the other brothers were impressed. They granted that his gift was indeed the most creative and impressive

After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.

Milton – Bubbeleh, the gorgeous house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin – Mine Shayne Kindeleh. I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes, and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good though. Thanks.

Myron – Tataleh, you give me such a fancy theatre with 3-D sound.And it can seat 50 people! But all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Melvin – Kleneler - My youngest but brightest. You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.

The Four Goldstein Brothers

The four Goldstein brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. There they persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers said they would settle for $2 million, but only if they could gain the recognition they wanted by having a label, 'The Goldstein Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now there was no way that old man Ford would put the name "Goldstein" on two million Fords. The brothers were so picqued that they refused the $3 million offer. Then they haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3.75 million and just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show 'Lo', 'Norm', 'Hi', and 'Max' on the controls!

G-d Provides

A nice Jewish girl, brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. She is quite nervous about it, and understandably so since her intended plans to learn in Kollel (advanced yeshiva for married men) and her parents are not particularly religious.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancee.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "...and G-d will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her fine clothing and jewelry, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "G-d will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that G-d will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So, nu? How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but I like him; ...
...he thinks I'm G-d.

Torah vs. Your Cell Phone

Better Than a Psychiatrist

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. Last year, as an adult when I finally could afford it, I went to consult a psychiatrist. I told him, 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and I'm confident we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'One hundred twenty dollars per visit.'

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

* * *

Six months later I saw the doctor walking on the street, so I swerved over to park next to him and reminded him who I was.

'Why didn't you come back to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, 120 bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. So I decided to go consult my Rebbe. I was a bit embarrassed to tell him about it, but I'm sure glad I did. He cured me right away. I left a donation for $18. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'

'Is that so!' he said, with a bit of an attitude. 'And how, may I ask, did a rabbi cure you?'

'Simple. The Rebbe told me to saw the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now for sure!'

9/21/10 "Sukkah Court" (go to Jokes - Holidays)

8/17/10 Elul Recall Notice (go to Jokes - Holidays)

7/27/10

A Single Phrase

A Talmudic scholar and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer, knowing that his field is so much more complex, said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness

After a brief pause, the Talmudic scholar replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.

"Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired.

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

Get Well

A rabbi suffers a severe flu attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks.

The synagogue's president pays him a visit. "I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery. . .

...And it passed, thirteen to eight."

5/18/10

One Small Detail

A shadchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur (rabbinical student) and says, "Gevalt, have I a girl for you!".

"Not interested", replies the boy.

"But she's beautiful!" says the matchmaker

"Yeah?" he says .

"Yes. And she's very rich too."

"Really?"

"And she has great yichus (ancestry)--from a very fine family!"

"Sounds great." says the modest young man. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? . . . She'd have to be crazy."

Replies the shadchan: "So? That's only a small detail; you can't expect everything!"

4/13/10

Holiday Psychology (go to Jokes - Holidays)

3/23/10

One at Every Seder (go to Jokes - Holidays)

2/23/10

Being Thankful

A Rabbi once asked a certain rambunctious seven-year-old boy, "Do you say a prayer before going to sleep each night?"

"No, Rabbi, I don't have to.

"Is that so? Why not?"

"Because," the boy explained with a smile, "My mother says it for me."

"Really? That's very nice of her. What does she say?"

"Thank G-d he's in bed!"

1/26/10

E-mail from G-d

G-d was not pleased with mankind (again). So He decided to email the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them to continue in the righteous path and thus justify the Creation. This would give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that email said?

You don't?

Well... I didn't get one either.

…

…

P.S. OK, wise guys; I checked my trash and junk and spam boxes, etc, and no, it is not there either.

12/30/09

Typical

Izzy entered the room all agitated. "There is a new Nazi Party and their manifesto states they intend to kill a million Jews and five Postmen."

"Why five postmen?" somebody asked.

"How typical!" cried Izzy in despair. "Nobody ever cares about the Jews."

11/25/09

Released from Prison (go to Jokes - Holidays)

Senior students

Is the reason that people read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older because
they are cramming for their finals?

The Shofar Key

A very cute and clever one-minute video

The Backup Shofar Blower

Another cute and clever one-minute video -- this one live, not staged.