ASCENT JEWISH JOKES ARCHIVE -- 5769
There was that Jew from Brooklyn that never learned how to read. When he died, and his soul was summoned in front of the Heavenly Court, the Ministering Angel said, "Hmm, we see that you never did any mitzvot so we can't let you into Paradise."
The Jew was prompt with his defense."It's not my fault, I never learned how to read! How am I supposed to do a mitzvah if I can't read? It's not my fault! Give a guy a break!"
"Well," the angel answered, looking around to make sure no one could see. That is not really an excuse, but you happen to be a nice guy so I'll try and do you a chesed (kindness)."
The angel took out a piece of paper and wrote down some instructions and gave it to him. "Listen, you probably won't like Heaven so much since every one sits around and learns the Torah together. If you can't read, what enjoyment will you get?
"I noticed that all of your buddies are down there in Gehinom ("Purgatory") having a good time together. Take this note. You can try out Heaven and if you don't like it, show this note to the Guardian Angel. He will let you leave Heaven and try it out below.
"Then, If you don't like it there, show this note to the Angel In Charge there and he will let you out. You may then return to Heaven."
The fellow went to Heaven. Sure enough, every one was sitting around studying the Torah. The accommodations were very nice and the atmoshpere was heavenly, but after several days he became bored since he could not read. He decided to see what his friends down below were doing.
He approached the Guardian Angel who guarded the door to Heaven and presented him with the letter. The angel put on his spectacles and read the letter. "OK, so you want to leave? Fine, have a good time." He opened the gates and the fellow left.
After taking the elevator down, he was admitted into Gehinom. It was nice seeing his old friends and exchanging jokes and playing cards with them. But there was a constant fire that made it unbearably hot at all times. Enough to make anyone want to leave.
So our friend decided to go back upstairs. The weather was much better there and everything was much more comfortable. Approaching the Guardian Angel at the gate of Gehinom, he presented him the letter of permission which enabled him to leave if he so chose and return Upstairs.
The Angel looked at it and apologized. "Sorry, I never learned to read."
Mazeltov, it's a girl? boy?
Outside the labor ward in an Israeli hospital sits a nervous looking man. From time to time he gets up and paces around anxiously.
Then out comes a nurse. "Mazal tov!" she exclaims. "It's a girl!"
The father's face falls then contorts into rage. He starts yelling, kicking over chairs, and overturning tables. Through the ruckus, it becomes clear that this is now his seventh daughter -- and he clearly had been hoping for a son.
The nurse runs back into the labor ward, then returns a minute later, calling the man's attention. "Sir, sir! I'm terribly sorry -- I made a mistake! It's actually a boy!"
The father ceases his tantrum, and looks frustratedly at the nurse. "A boy? You're sure it's a boy?"
"Yes, sir," she replies. "Mazal tov!" And she disappears back into the labor ward.
An eerie silence descends over the wreckage of the waiting area, and the father turns smugly to a shocked bystander.
"See? See what you've gotta do if you want to get anything done in this country?"
A New Kind of Sermon
[You probably will think you anticipated the punch line to this one, but you may be in for a surprise. - yt]
In a large Florida city,
the Rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons, so much so that everyone
in the community came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had
to visit Long Island for his nephew's Bar Mitzva, but he didn't want to miss
the Rabbi's sermon. So he decided to hire a non-jew to sit in the congregation
and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
[Submitted by Moshe Friedman; rewritten - except for punch line -- by Yerachmiel Tilles]
Date: Sun, 24 May 2009 09:08
(Jerusalem Daylight Time)
"Possible Court Nominee hears Mezuzah Case in Chicago"
If mezuzot and their cases talk to him, maybe he should be a Rebbe instead of a mere Supreme Court judge! - yt
Bill Gates decides to organize an enormous session of recruitment for a chairman position for Microsoft Europe. The 5000 candidates are all assembled in a large convention room in a leading hotel in Paris. One of the candidates is Simon Levy, a little Parisian Jew whose family hails from Tunis. Bill Gates thanks all the candidates for coming and asks that all those who do not know the programming languages JAVA and XHML to please exit.
2000 people rise and leave the room. Simon Levy says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try."
Bill Gates asks all the candidates who have never had experience of team management of more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people exit the room. Simon Levy says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays.
Then Bill Gates asks all the candidates who do not have degrees from Ivy League schools to leave. 500 people get up and leave the room. Simon Levy says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay?" So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak Croatian to leave. 498 people exit the room. Simon Levy says to himself, "I do not speak Croatian but have I got anything to lose?" So he stays in the room.
He finds himself alone with the other remaining candidate -- everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates walks over to them and says, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Croatian, so let's hear you both have a little conversation in that language."
Now Simon Levy is stumped, but he decides to try to fake it. He turns calmly to the other candidate and says to him: "Shma Yisrael Hashem Elokeinu Hashem echad." The other candidate's eyes widen, as he immediately responds, "Baruch shem kavod malchuso la'olam va'ed."
Had Gadya Backwards?
(go to Jokes - Holidays)
G-d is Nowhere?
A father was very "enlightened" and did not want his son to believe in G-d, but the boy persisted in his belief. So one night, when his son was sound asleep, his father placed a note under the boy's pillow, which read "G-d is nowhere."
The boy arose in the morning,
saw the note, and went running excitedly to his father. "Dad," he
reported, "this morning I discovered under my pillow a message saying,
"G-d is now here."
[Adapted from: Algemeiner.com]
Jake and Edna Bergen are flying to Capetown for a ten day vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may get stranded on this deserted island for a very long time."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
Once on the island, Jake turns to his wife and asks, " Edna, did we pay our charity pledge check to the Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Jake, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, " Edna, did we pay our JJJ pledge?"
"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send that check too," she says.
"One last thing, Edna. Did you remember to send the check for the Yeshiva Building Fund," he asks?
"Oiy, forgive me, Jake," begged Edna. "I didn't send that one either."
Jake grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss he has given her in 40 years.
Edna pulls away and asks him, "Now you kiss me like that! Why?"
Jake answers, "We're saved! They will find us!"
[Based on: Jewlarious]
Questions on the Gift Tree
The Jacobs family was on good terms with their Catholic neighbors, the O'Reilly's. In fact, little Yisrael Cohen and Mickey O'Brian from next door would play together from time to time. Or at least they used to.
Well, one late December's day, Patrick O'Brian, the non-Jewish father, came storming in to the Jacobs' house holding poor Yisrael by the ear. "Your son is not going near my Mick again. He has no respect for us and our religion!"
"I'm astonished to hear that. What did he do?" inquired Mr. Jacobs.
"I'll tell you" said Patrick in a rage. "He saw our Christmas tree and started making fun."
"He did? Really?" said Mr. Jacobs. "What did he say?"
"He saw our tree and
started asking all sorts of ridiculous questions:
[Based on: Jewlarious]
Ancient Jewish Expertise
A long time ago there was a powerful Oriental emperor who needed a new chief swordsman. He sent out a message throughout his kingdom and even beyond that he was searching for one, and announcing a competition for the position in one year's time. The year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese swordsman, a Chinese swordsman and a Jewish swordsman.
The emperor asks the Japanese swordsman to come in and demonstrate why he considers himself qualified to be the chief swordsman of the kingdom. The Japanese warrior opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese swordsman to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese swordsman opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. "That is really impressive," says the emperor.
The emperor then asks the Jewish swordsman to demonstrate why he should be the head swordsman. The Jewish swordsman thinks: if it worked for the other two, why not for me too? He too releases a fly from a matchbox and whoooosh--a gust of wind fills the room.
But then the emperor notices that the fly is still alive and buzzing around. He asks in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish swordsman replies, "It may not be dead, but if you look closely, you will see that the fly has been circumcised!"